Bristol, 24 August 2007
NATWEST SERIES, Bristol:
England v India 215-2
Sachin Tendulkar was controversially out for 99 but India rattled up 181-2 from 32 overs after opting to bat against England in the second ODI. Tendulkar moved into the 80s with a flat six off Chris Tremlett, and overcame a bout of cramp before Andrew Flintoff ousted him with a bouncer. Matt Prior took a fine diving catch but replays suggested it hit the arm guard. India's openers shared 113, their 23rd century stand, before Sourav Ganguly was caught at point in the 20th over. England v India 215-2
LATEST ACTION AS IT HAPPENS (ALL TIMES BST)
e-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Tom Fordyce' in the subject) or use 606 38th over: Ind 215-2
Dravid punts an attempted Bopi yorker to long-on for two, before stealing another single off his legs. Noise levels in the crowd go up a notch as the celebration juice begins to kick in. From Richard Godfrey: "Just woken up and read the match report from the start. The public address system at Bristol is noisy. When we filmed Casualty at the university next door, we had to ask them to be quiet during 'takes'." 37th over: Ind 210-2
Dravid flicks and pushes and punches two singles and a double off Tremmers. Yuvraj's winding up for a slapfest here - you can smell it in the air. From Ian in Cardiff: "Re: over 30 - if my surname was Cockar I would stay quiet." 36th over: Ind 206-2
Nice from Ravi - above-trundle pace and accurate as William Tell's arrow. Just three nibbled singles. From Clive Wells, Wisconsin: "My American wife describes all cricket as akin to 'enduring a miserable, lingering and excruciatingly painful death'. You have no idea of her glee at reading of your condition. She mentioned something about 'What goes around, comes around' and 'divine justice' and is now singing happily. Marital bliss has not been enhanced by my likening this behavior to the movie images of toothless crones knitting and laughing as the young aristos go to the guillotine. " 35th over: Ind 202-2
Don't want to worry you here, but Freddie is limping. Gulp. Tremmers toils against Yuvraj, who glances delicately off his leg-protectors for two. From Nick Salter: "Re voice recognition system. Aren?t they called secretaries? That technology has been around for years." 34th over: Ind 198-2
Here comes Ravi Bopara for his first serious involvement of the day. Singles are tickled with casual ease until new-man Dravid fine-cuts an in-nipper for a race-away four. From Matthew Lambert: "Re your obsession with gout. Just wondered if any cricketer has had to retire from an innings with gout. Or maybe a batsman has been given out due to gout-related exploding limbs. That would liven up some of these one-day games." 33rd over: Ind 190-2
Colly, who appears to be suffering with a nasty case of sunburn this arvo, is smashed through cover by Yuvraj for a boards-battering four. Bristol is still buzzing with the inequity of Sachin's demise. That decision was as ridiculous as the notion of Dirs and I being sent to France to cover the forthcoming rugby World Cup in a campervan for seven weeks. That would never happen - would it? From Alan Heavens: "You can't let Andy Long take over - his name is merely an anagram of Yon Gland, and has nothing of the richness of Fort Comedy and 'Bend, Sir!'. Let us go for David Homer (Hoarded Vim), 14th over, as your replacement. My grandmother hoarded Vim whenever there was an international crisis. I have no idea why." 32nd over: WICKET - Tendulkar c Prior b Flintoff 99, Ind 180-2
Dravid punts an attempted Bopi yorker to long-on for two, before stealing another single off his legs. Noise levels in the crowd go up a notch as the celebration juice begins to kick in. From Richard Godfrey: "Just woken up and read the match report from the start. The public address system at Bristol is noisy. When we filmed Casualty at the university next door, we had to ask them to be quiet during 'takes'." 37th over: Ind 210-2
Dravid flicks and pushes and punches two singles and a double off Tremmers. Yuvraj's winding up for a slapfest here - you can smell it in the air. From Ian in Cardiff: "Re: over 30 - if my surname was Cockar I would stay quiet." 36th over: Ind 206-2
Nice from Ravi - above-trundle pace and accurate as William Tell's arrow. Just three nibbled singles. From Clive Wells, Wisconsin: "My American wife describes all cricket as akin to 'enduring a miserable, lingering and excruciatingly painful death'. You have no idea of her glee at reading of your condition. She mentioned something about 'What goes around, comes around' and 'divine justice' and is now singing happily. Marital bliss has not been enhanced by my likening this behavior to the movie images of toothless crones knitting and laughing as the young aristos go to the guillotine. " 35th over: Ind 202-2
Don't want to worry you here, but Freddie is limping. Gulp. Tremmers toils against Yuvraj, who glances delicately off his leg-protectors for two. From Nick Salter: "Re voice recognition system. Aren?t they called secretaries? That technology has been around for years." 34th over: Ind 198-2
Here comes Ravi Bopara for his first serious involvement of the day. Singles are tickled with casual ease until new-man Dravid fine-cuts an in-nipper for a race-away four. From Matthew Lambert: "Re your obsession with gout. Just wondered if any cricketer has had to retire from an innings with gout. Or maybe a batsman has been given out due to gout-related exploding limbs. That would liven up some of these one-day games." 33rd over: Ind 190-2
Colly, who appears to be suffering with a nasty case of sunburn this arvo, is smashed through cover by Yuvraj for a boards-battering four. Bristol is still buzzing with the inequity of Sachin's demise. That decision was as ridiculous as the notion of Dirs and I being sent to France to cover the forthcoming rugby World Cup in a campervan for seven weeks. That would never happen - would it? From Alan Heavens: "You can't let Andy Long take over - his name is merely an anagram of Yon Gland, and has nothing of the richness of Fort Comedy and 'Bend, Sir!'. Let us go for David Homer (Hoarded Vim), 14th over, as your replacement. My grandmother hoarded Vim whenever there was an international crisis. I have no idea why." 32nd over: WICKET - Tendulkar c Prior b Flintoff 99, Ind 180-2
Knock me down with a lightweight feather - Freddie's got him! To a devastated keening from the India fans, Sachin fences at a snorter, gets something on it and Stumper Prior takes the best catch of his England career going high to his left. Sachin can't believe it - he stands his ground for a moment, smiling, and then trudges off. No wonder, either - replays show the ball clearly came off his elbow. Umpo Gould's had a stinker... 31st over: Ind 179-1
Is Sachin actually nervous in the 90s here? He tries to batter Colly into Clifton and gets lucky with a leading edge over a galloping Tremmers at mid-off. 30th over: Ind 175-1
That's quite enough Masca for anyone, and Fred returns to bring a semblance of decency to proceedings. Sachin now on 96, just one rattling blow shy of his 42nd ODI ton. 42nd? Wowser. From Shafique Cockar: "Actually, Tom Fordyce, what with the utter nonsense you come up with sometimes I wouldn't mind it even a teeny bit if you bumped off right this very minute just as you post this - your last contribution to the BBC and the world over. Actually no, sorry. It would, in fact, give me immense pleasure if your death would be painfully long and drawn out so that you suffer to the maximum the same way as you make us suffer over your TMS." 29th over: Ind 172-1
Trundle of the most average sort from both ends as Colly drops short and is slapped away dismissively by Yuvraj over straightish midwicket. Easy peas here for the Indian swordsmen. From Dominic Woodford: "If you're in serious pain, perhaps you could get the equivalent of a runner for you to type the text commentary while you tell them what to write and rest at the equivalent of square leg. You'll need someone in the BBC office though who can type quickly, and as with cricket, your runner would have to wear exactly the same as you." 28th over: Ind 167-1
Yuvraj, sleepy so far, rouses himself to feast on the buffet that is Masca's medium. Crash - he batters one through midwicket for four. Bang - another one creams past midwicket for four more. Wallop - an even better drive whistles past extra cover for four more. Explosions of joy among the India fans. 27th over: Ind 155-1
Colly brings himself on to crack this toughest of nuts, and Sachin tucks in with a thwacker of two to the midwicket boundary and another popped gently squarer. 26th over: Ind 149-1
Better from Masca - just the three singles off his over. A heavy-jowled man dressed as a Mother Superior chases a novice up the terrace steps as Sachin signals for assistance - looks like he's got cramp in his hand. He's in agony. You and me both, wee man. 25th over: Ind 146-1
Tremmers returns reluctantly to the slaughter, blinking nervously, and is boffed back over his head for a flat skimmer of a maximum from Lord Sachin. England wobbling like a pensioner on a skateboard here. From Mark Airey: "When your limbs go, maybe you could get a voice recognition system - kind of a reverse to Stephen Hawkings machine where it picks up what you are saying and types it for you so you can keep your job. Actually, as you work for the BBC I doubt the budget is there for that type of technology. Pack your things now while you can." 24th over: Ind 138-1
If Sachin doesn't get a ton here, there should be a public inquiry. He creams Masca through cover with more style than Anna Wintour for another four to move to 79. From Jon in Colorado: "Don't let comments like Rob's (17th over) get you down. I've been living with gout off and on for over thirty years and can reassure you that, far from being sudden and unexpected, death by gout is a long and extremely painful one." 23rd over: Ind 132-1
Three singles off Jimmy A, one of them a drive to long-off from Sachin that's as sweet as Tupelo honey. Boozy cheers from the Bristol crowd as the early weekend cracks on. From Ed Evans: "Andy Long - you are a detective straight out of the Colombo, Poirot mould. I admit that it was ME trying to bump off Fordyce and Dirs! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids. Tom - word of advice - don't drink anymore of the coffee." 22nd over: Ind 129-1
Dimitri Masca is summoned for a trundle, and he probably wishes he hadn't been as Sachin goes down on one knee to dab-sweep two delightful fours down to fine leg. Fine leg - hah! What bitter words those are to a man mere hours from total limb explosion. From Alex Tait: "Re: 18th Over - I think it rather depends on the order your limbs go in. If it's arms first then perhaps you could get the rest of the evening off, or would they make you type with your nose? If it's legs first then you're rather stuck." 21st over: Ind 119-1
Yuvraj the new man in, and he's off the quacker straight away with a timed tuck off the pads for one. Sachin then scoops Jimmy away through square leg for his 12th four to move to an imperious 63. From Andy Hulse: "If Dr Mark Dennison is my doctor from near Southampton, I now understand why the doctors in the practice always study the computers so hard when you meet them. They're just checking the latest score and trying to look interested." 20th over: WICKET - Ganguly c Collingwood b Flintoff 39, Ind 113-1
Is Sachin actually nervous in the 90s here? He tries to batter Colly into Clifton and gets lucky with a leading edge over a galloping Tremmers at mid-off. 30th over: Ind 175-1
That's quite enough Masca for anyone, and Fred returns to bring a semblance of decency to proceedings. Sachin now on 96, just one rattling blow shy of his 42nd ODI ton. 42nd? Wowser. From Shafique Cockar: "Actually, Tom Fordyce, what with the utter nonsense you come up with sometimes I wouldn't mind it even a teeny bit if you bumped off right this very minute just as you post this - your last contribution to the BBC and the world over. Actually no, sorry. It would, in fact, give me immense pleasure if your death would be painfully long and drawn out so that you suffer to the maximum the same way as you make us suffer over your TMS." 29th over: Ind 172-1
Trundle of the most average sort from both ends as Colly drops short and is slapped away dismissively by Yuvraj over straightish midwicket. Easy peas here for the Indian swordsmen. From Dominic Woodford: "If you're in serious pain, perhaps you could get the equivalent of a runner for you to type the text commentary while you tell them what to write and rest at the equivalent of square leg. You'll need someone in the BBC office though who can type quickly, and as with cricket, your runner would have to wear exactly the same as you." 28th over: Ind 167-1
Yuvraj, sleepy so far, rouses himself to feast on the buffet that is Masca's medium. Crash - he batters one through midwicket for four. Bang - another one creams past midwicket for four more. Wallop - an even better drive whistles past extra cover for four more. Explosions of joy among the India fans. 27th over: Ind 155-1
Colly brings himself on to crack this toughest of nuts, and Sachin tucks in with a thwacker of two to the midwicket boundary and another popped gently squarer. 26th over: Ind 149-1
Better from Masca - just the three singles off his over. A heavy-jowled man dressed as a Mother Superior chases a novice up the terrace steps as Sachin signals for assistance - looks like he's got cramp in his hand. He's in agony. You and me both, wee man. 25th over: Ind 146-1
Tremmers returns reluctantly to the slaughter, blinking nervously, and is boffed back over his head for a flat skimmer of a maximum from Lord Sachin. England wobbling like a pensioner on a skateboard here. From Mark Airey: "When your limbs go, maybe you could get a voice recognition system - kind of a reverse to Stephen Hawkings machine where it picks up what you are saying and types it for you so you can keep your job. Actually, as you work for the BBC I doubt the budget is there for that type of technology. Pack your things now while you can." 24th over: Ind 138-1
If Sachin doesn't get a ton here, there should be a public inquiry. He creams Masca through cover with more style than Anna Wintour for another four to move to 79. From Jon in Colorado: "Don't let comments like Rob's (17th over) get you down. I've been living with gout off and on for over thirty years and can reassure you that, far from being sudden and unexpected, death by gout is a long and extremely painful one." 23rd over: Ind 132-1
Three singles off Jimmy A, one of them a drive to long-off from Sachin that's as sweet as Tupelo honey. Boozy cheers from the Bristol crowd as the early weekend cracks on. From Ed Evans: "Andy Long - you are a detective straight out of the Colombo, Poirot mould. I admit that it was ME trying to bump off Fordyce and Dirs! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids. Tom - word of advice - don't drink anymore of the coffee." 22nd over: Ind 129-1
Dimitri Masca is summoned for a trundle, and he probably wishes he hadn't been as Sachin goes down on one knee to dab-sweep two delightful fours down to fine leg. Fine leg - hah! What bitter words those are to a man mere hours from total limb explosion. From Alex Tait: "Re: 18th Over - I think it rather depends on the order your limbs go in. If it's arms first then perhaps you could get the rest of the evening off, or would they make you type with your nose? If it's legs first then you're rather stuck." 21st over: Ind 119-1
Yuvraj the new man in, and he's off the quacker straight away with a timed tuck off the pads for one. Sachin then scoops Jimmy away through square leg for his 12th four to move to an imperious 63. From Andy Hulse: "If Dr Mark Dennison is my doctor from near Southampton, I now understand why the doctors in the practice always study the computers so hard when you meet them. They're just checking the latest score and trying to look interested." 20th over: WICKET - Ganguly c Collingwood b Flintoff 39, Ind 113-1
Sweet relief for England as they strike at last, Gangools spooning a mis-hit drive high to a backwards-running Cap'n Colly at point. England needed that like I need a new leg. From Steve Williams: "A friend of mine's grandfather suffered terribly from gout in his big toe. One dark evening he was in such agony that he hobbled down to the garden shed and hacked of the toe with a hatchet. This may or may not have afforded him brief relief from the appalling pain. We don't know as a result of his dying of loss of blood. The legend is that his daughter wheeled his corpse up the garden path in a wheelbarrow." 19th over: Ind 108-0
Colly summons Jimmy A to stop the rot, and rot-stop he does. Just two off the over, and Gangools summons the 12th man to bring him a cooling beverage. From Andy Long: "What with so many people thinking your job is a cushy number, and both you and the venerable Mr Dirs being struck down with sudden illnesses, is it too much to suggest that some readers/listeners are trying to make you both 'disappear' to open up a couple of vacancies?" 18th over: Ind 106-0
Fred's not having much fun here - Sachin steers four leg byes off his old-skool pads, and Fred boots the ground in disgust. Any suggestions for how a be-gouted man might spend his last 48 hours with limbs? Annoyingly, my work rota means I'll be spending at least a third of them sitting at a desk typing. Gutted. 17th over: Ind 100-0
Crackeroo - Sourav goes ballistic, smiting Tremmers way over long-on for a huge six, and following it up with a four walloped down the ground and another edged through slip. 17 off the over, and that's this pair's 23rd century partnership in ODI's - seven more than the second pair on the list, Hayden and Gilchrist. Smoke that, fact-fans. From Rob Lavender: "Tom, just had a look at gout on a medical encyclopaedia - all your talk of being doomed may well be unfounded! Apparently some people even manage 48hrs before the maddening pain sets in and their limbs explode, one by one. Tell your mates to wear overalls - it can happen quite suddenly." 16th over: Ind 83-0
Colly summons Jimmy A to stop the rot, and rot-stop he does. Just two off the over, and Gangools summons the 12th man to bring him a cooling beverage. From Andy Long: "What with so many people thinking your job is a cushy number, and both you and the venerable Mr Dirs being struck down with sudden illnesses, is it too much to suggest that some readers/listeners are trying to make you both 'disappear' to open up a couple of vacancies?" 18th over: Ind 106-0
Fred's not having much fun here - Sachin steers four leg byes off his old-skool pads, and Fred boots the ground in disgust. Any suggestions for how a be-gouted man might spend his last 48 hours with limbs? Annoyingly, my work rota means I'll be spending at least a third of them sitting at a desk typing. Gutted. 17th over: Ind 100-0
Crackeroo - Sourav goes ballistic, smiting Tremmers way over long-on for a huge six, and following it up with a four walloped down the ground and another edged through slip. 17 off the over, and that's this pair's 23rd century partnership in ODI's - seven more than the second pair on the list, Hayden and Gilchrist. Smoke that, fact-fans. From Rob Lavender: "Tom, just had a look at gout on a medical encyclopaedia - all your talk of being doomed may well be unfounded! Apparently some people even manage 48hrs before the maddening pain sets in and their limbs explode, one by one. Tell your mates to wear overalls - it can happen quite suddenly." 16th over: Ind 83-0
What an over from Sachin - he clocks up his 80th ODI half-century with a majestic back-foot cream off Freddie, one ball after tickling the big man down to third man for the rudest of fours. Fred's fuming. From Ian Milne: "If you die of gout, can I put my name forward to have your job? It looks a cushy little number." You vulture, Milne. My corpse is not yet cold, but already you're trying to worm your way into my shoes. Where's your decency? 15th over: Ind 69-0
Tremmers winces as the Indian pair put him to the sword, Gangools slashing him through the empty first slip slot for four before Tendulks flips a short one over short fine leg for another rope-shaker. Sachin now 41 not gout - I'm sorry, not out. From Graham Yeo: "I was present at both the D&C and Rowland incidents (though I swear to this day I threw nothing). More amusing still was Glastonbury '99 where Keanu Reeves, fronting his hobby band 'Dogstar', were showered with fruit. Where anybody found fruit at a festival remains a mystery to this day." 14th over: Ind 59-0
Few more no-ball issues for Fred, and he ships three easy singles too. What I wouldn't give for a mere no-ball problem. Doubt I'll ever stroll an easy single again, either - not with my gout. From David Homer: "With Housemaid's Knee, Tom, your career as a priest might have been even more short-lived that your present one will be." 13th over: Ind 53-0
Tremmers joins the fray, and Sachin greets him with an almighty smack over cover for a sumptuous four. Going to try some reverse mockers here: "Tendulkar in great nick - almost certain to score a rapid-fire ton here." From Justin Davidson: "Tom - was it you or Ben Dirs who had the moon face?" Dirs. And, unlike my gout, his toothache has now been cleared up with heavy doses of codeine. He doesn't know how lucky he is. 12th over: Ind 49-0
Freddie comes on, but who cares? I'm dying of gout, and this could be the last ODI I ever commentate on. Mother - if you're reading this, I'm sorry I let you down as a son. I know you desperately wanted your first-born male to become a priest or astronaut, but I just didn't have what it took. Two off the over. 11th over: Ind 47-0
Sachin comes out all guns blazing, flogging Broad through cover from two strides down the track and then cracking him through midwicket for four more. Don't say I didn't warn you... From Russell in Northampton: "The first time I went to Reading, it was in its transitional phase, just after the heavy era and before the indie shoe-gazers appeared. So we were amused when Deacon Blue were bottled off - but what was even more amusing was when Ricky Ross came back on and started hurling abuse back at the crowd. Problem was, the microphone was off, so he vented rather weakly to a crowd urging him to speak up." 10th over: Ind 39-0
Sachin, looking dangerously on the money, flicks Jim dreamily off his pads through midwicket for four. That's the powerplay overs concluded, and Captain Colly will be happy-ish with that - less than four an over. From Dr Mark Dennison: "Prepatellar bursitis, otherwise known as housemaid's knee. Often caused by lots of kneeling, hence the name. sometimes caused by gout. From another GP, hard at work , earning my �250k as you BBC types like to believe." Forget your salary, Dr D - you say I've got gout? Dear Lord - how? When? Why? I don't even drink port, except occasionally over the Christmas period. 9th over: Ind 34-0
Gangools, riled by the 7th-over sledging, creams Broad straight for a four that even an ostentatiously-tumbling KP can't prevent. Colly goes full length at point to prevent another two balls later. What have I done? From James Riggs: "Re 7th over - shouldn't that be 'Come On Urine'?" 8th over: Ind 29-0
Sun still screaming down from the deep blue heavens, and Jimmy strays down leg at pace to ship two wides. Gangools lofts unconvincingly at a fuller one and just clears KP at mid-off for a streaky two. From Simon Hunn: "Kevin Rowland is an absolute legend, and the bottling he received at Reading was shocking. My Beauty (1999 covers album featuring the man himself in ladies underwear on the front) is simply fantastic." 7th over: Ind 24-0
Gangools doesn't look in such great nicker today. He's batting as if he wishes his manservant could do the willow-waving for him, while he directs operations from a comfy chair nearby. While sipping an iced lemonade. From Sam Knight: "Kevin Rowland was the year after. Attempting to relaunch his career whilst dodging bottles of urine to the continual chant of 'Come on Irene' as I remember. Those were the days!" 6th over: Ind 23-0
Tight as you like too from Jimmy A - just an early-doors leg-bye off the over. From Kevin Temple: "I punched a guy in the stomach on the dance floor at Warwick Uni for throwing a plastic pint glass full of pee at D&C. No need for those kind of shenanigans, and if I remember right one of them had quite a way about her." 5th over: Ind 22-0
Tight again from the steepling Broad, and just a single apiece to the Indian pair. Tendukar's on 15 already, which is a pleasant surprise the way he's been playing this summer. The man's such a legend that it's painful when his exalted levels drop just a fraction - it's like having to deal with Paul McCartney following She's Leaving Home with the Another Day. From John Dover: "Please do something about the dreadful public address system in the background. It's louder than the commentary." John - did you mean to send that to my radio colleagues? 4th over: Ind 20-0
Tremendous sparring between Jimmy and Sachin - Anderson goes 1-0 up with a nose-tickling snorter, Tendulkar goes 2-1 up with two tucked fours off his pads and Jim equalises late on with another bat-beater. 3rd over: Ind 11-0
Better from Broad Jnr - just a single to Sachin down to deep square leg. Enthusiastic cheers from the large Indian contingent on board today. From Olivia Hussey: "Speaking as a GP awaiting the start of my surgery this afternoon and keeping up with the cricket scores between patients - you were probably kept waiting because the Doctor was too busy reading TMS." More to the point, Dr H, what might be going on with my knee? I got some vague "pre-patella bursitis" chat, but the advised treatment won't be easy - you try keeping your knee encased in ice and above hip height when you're doing a spicy ODI clockwatch. 2nd over: Ind 10-0
Jimmy A from the other end, and Gangools pops him away for an effortless fence-slapper. Some sort of trouble behind the bowler's arm here - all sorts of gesticulation from the batsmen at the guzzling crowd. From David King: "I remembering opting to see Daphne and Celeste at the signing tent at Reading Festival rather than seeing the last ever performance by Rage Against The Machine. Boy do I feel silly now..." Wasn't that the Reading where D&C were bottled off the main stage, David? Or am I thinking of a nighty-wearing Kevin Rowland? 1st over: Ind 6-0
Here we go then - with teeth gritted against the pain of career-threatening knee woe, I type the words, "Broad opens to Sourav Ganguly". No great dramas early on - one marginal wide and a scampered single off the lanky tyro - before Sachin T leans into a leg-side sandwich and tucks it away for four. From Nick in York: "By my calculations, of the first 366 words posted here today, only 138 are relevant to the actual game of cricket. That's 3.7 words out of ten. I set you the challenge of getting it to 5.0 by the end of play." 1425: You know that chat earlier on about the grey weather? It was patent nonsense - there's not a cloud in the sky. That's what comes of filing updates via your Yahoo email while you're actually in a doctor's waiting-room, waiting for your GP to sort out the monstrous swelling that appeared on your right knee overnight. 1420: If you've missed the team news, 'flu has decimated the Indian line-up - which means a late call-up for promising youngster Attishu Attishu. From Gareth Evans: "Ooh stick you, Ganguly too, and your Dravid..." From Rich Norman: "What a shocking way to start the commentary on an international cricket match, first of all to mention Daphne & Celeste but secondly to get one of their songs into hundreds, possibly thousands, of readers' heads for the rest of the day." From David Dickinson: "I'm in Bristol and it's not damp and grey... it's clear blue sky and hot. Is there another Bristol that I don't know about?" From Peter Collinson: "We had Daphne and Celeste at my old university and as a member of 'crew' I got the dubious pleasure of meeting them backstage. You didn't miss much - though to be fair, they admitted their limitations and said they planned to get on with life in a different regard." 1400: So can England maintain the standard they set at the Rose Bowl, when they actually looked like a decent one-day team? Well, they're going to have to do it the hard way batting under lights after Dravid wins the toss and opts to bat. 1340: On reflection, were Daphne and Celeste really that forgettable? Why, two of their charming ditties are already playing in my head - the seminal Ooh Stick You, and the dark and brooding lament that was U.G.L.Y.
Tremmers winces as the Indian pair put him to the sword, Gangools slashing him through the empty first slip slot for four before Tendulks flips a short one over short fine leg for another rope-shaker. Sachin now 41 not gout - I'm sorry, not out. From Graham Yeo: "I was present at both the D&C and Rowland incidents (though I swear to this day I threw nothing). More amusing still was Glastonbury '99 where Keanu Reeves, fronting his hobby band 'Dogstar', were showered with fruit. Where anybody found fruit at a festival remains a mystery to this day." 14th over: Ind 59-0
Few more no-ball issues for Fred, and he ships three easy singles too. What I wouldn't give for a mere no-ball problem. Doubt I'll ever stroll an easy single again, either - not with my gout. From David Homer: "With Housemaid's Knee, Tom, your career as a priest might have been even more short-lived that your present one will be." 13th over: Ind 53-0
Tremmers joins the fray, and Sachin greets him with an almighty smack over cover for a sumptuous four. Going to try some reverse mockers here: "Tendulkar in great nick - almost certain to score a rapid-fire ton here." From Justin Davidson: "Tom - was it you or Ben Dirs who had the moon face?" Dirs. And, unlike my gout, his toothache has now been cleared up with heavy doses of codeine. He doesn't know how lucky he is. 12th over: Ind 49-0
Freddie comes on, but who cares? I'm dying of gout, and this could be the last ODI I ever commentate on. Mother - if you're reading this, I'm sorry I let you down as a son. I know you desperately wanted your first-born male to become a priest or astronaut, but I just didn't have what it took. Two off the over. 11th over: Ind 47-0
Sachin comes out all guns blazing, flogging Broad through cover from two strides down the track and then cracking him through midwicket for four more. Don't say I didn't warn you... From Russell in Northampton: "The first time I went to Reading, it was in its transitional phase, just after the heavy era and before the indie shoe-gazers appeared. So we were amused when Deacon Blue were bottled off - but what was even more amusing was when Ricky Ross came back on and started hurling abuse back at the crowd. Problem was, the microphone was off, so he vented rather weakly to a crowd urging him to speak up." 10th over: Ind 39-0
Sachin, looking dangerously on the money, flicks Jim dreamily off his pads through midwicket for four. That's the powerplay overs concluded, and Captain Colly will be happy-ish with that - less than four an over. From Dr Mark Dennison: "Prepatellar bursitis, otherwise known as housemaid's knee. Often caused by lots of kneeling, hence the name. sometimes caused by gout. From another GP, hard at work , earning my �250k as you BBC types like to believe." Forget your salary, Dr D - you say I've got gout? Dear Lord - how? When? Why? I don't even drink port, except occasionally over the Christmas period. 9th over: Ind 34-0
Gangools, riled by the 7th-over sledging, creams Broad straight for a four that even an ostentatiously-tumbling KP can't prevent. Colly goes full length at point to prevent another two balls later. What have I done? From James Riggs: "Re 7th over - shouldn't that be 'Come On Urine'?" 8th over: Ind 29-0
Sun still screaming down from the deep blue heavens, and Jimmy strays down leg at pace to ship two wides. Gangools lofts unconvincingly at a fuller one and just clears KP at mid-off for a streaky two. From Simon Hunn: "Kevin Rowland is an absolute legend, and the bottling he received at Reading was shocking. My Beauty (1999 covers album featuring the man himself in ladies underwear on the front) is simply fantastic." 7th over: Ind 24-0
Gangools doesn't look in such great nicker today. He's batting as if he wishes his manservant could do the willow-waving for him, while he directs operations from a comfy chair nearby. While sipping an iced lemonade. From Sam Knight: "Kevin Rowland was the year after. Attempting to relaunch his career whilst dodging bottles of urine to the continual chant of 'Come on Irene' as I remember. Those were the days!" 6th over: Ind 23-0
Tight as you like too from Jimmy A - just an early-doors leg-bye off the over. From Kevin Temple: "I punched a guy in the stomach on the dance floor at Warwick Uni for throwing a plastic pint glass full of pee at D&C. No need for those kind of shenanigans, and if I remember right one of them had quite a way about her." 5th over: Ind 22-0
Tight again from the steepling Broad, and just a single apiece to the Indian pair. Tendukar's on 15 already, which is a pleasant surprise the way he's been playing this summer. The man's such a legend that it's painful when his exalted levels drop just a fraction - it's like having to deal with Paul McCartney following She's Leaving Home with the Another Day. From John Dover: "Please do something about the dreadful public address system in the background. It's louder than the commentary." John - did you mean to send that to my radio colleagues? 4th over: Ind 20-0
Tremendous sparring between Jimmy and Sachin - Anderson goes 1-0 up with a nose-tickling snorter, Tendulkar goes 2-1 up with two tucked fours off his pads and Jim equalises late on with another bat-beater. 3rd over: Ind 11-0
Better from Broad Jnr - just a single to Sachin down to deep square leg. Enthusiastic cheers from the large Indian contingent on board today. From Olivia Hussey: "Speaking as a GP awaiting the start of my surgery this afternoon and keeping up with the cricket scores between patients - you were probably kept waiting because the Doctor was too busy reading TMS." More to the point, Dr H, what might be going on with my knee? I got some vague "pre-patella bursitis" chat, but the advised treatment won't be easy - you try keeping your knee encased in ice and above hip height when you're doing a spicy ODI clockwatch. 2nd over: Ind 10-0
Jimmy A from the other end, and Gangools pops him away for an effortless fence-slapper. Some sort of trouble behind the bowler's arm here - all sorts of gesticulation from the batsmen at the guzzling crowd. From David King: "I remembering opting to see Daphne and Celeste at the signing tent at Reading Festival rather than seeing the last ever performance by Rage Against The Machine. Boy do I feel silly now..." Wasn't that the Reading where D&C were bottled off the main stage, David? Or am I thinking of a nighty-wearing Kevin Rowland? 1st over: Ind 6-0
Here we go then - with teeth gritted against the pain of career-threatening knee woe, I type the words, "Broad opens to Sourav Ganguly". No great dramas early on - one marginal wide and a scampered single off the lanky tyro - before Sachin T leans into a leg-side sandwich and tucks it away for four. From Nick in York: "By my calculations, of the first 366 words posted here today, only 138 are relevant to the actual game of cricket. That's 3.7 words out of ten. I set you the challenge of getting it to 5.0 by the end of play." 1425: You know that chat earlier on about the grey weather? It was patent nonsense - there's not a cloud in the sky. That's what comes of filing updates via your Yahoo email while you're actually in a doctor's waiting-room, waiting for your GP to sort out the monstrous swelling that appeared on your right knee overnight. 1420: If you've missed the team news, 'flu has decimated the Indian line-up - which means a late call-up for promising youngster Attishu Attishu. From Gareth Evans: "Ooh stick you, Ganguly too, and your Dravid..." From Rich Norman: "What a shocking way to start the commentary on an international cricket match, first of all to mention Daphne & Celeste but secondly to get one of their songs into hundreds, possibly thousands, of readers' heads for the rest of the day." From David Dickinson: "I'm in Bristol and it's not damp and grey... it's clear blue sky and hot. Is there another Bristol that I don't know about?" From Peter Collinson: "We had Daphne and Celeste at my old university and as a member of 'crew' I got the dubious pleasure of meeting them backstage. You didn't miss much - though to be fair, they admitted their limitations and said they planned to get on with life in a different regard." 1400: So can England maintain the standard they set at the Rose Bowl, when they actually looked like a decent one-day team? Well, they're going to have to do it the hard way batting under lights after Dravid wins the toss and opts to bat. 1340: On reflection, were Daphne and Celeste really that forgettable? Why, two of their charming ditties are already playing in my head - the seminal Ooh Stick You, and the dark and brooding lament that was U.G.L.Y.
1330: Afternoon all, and what a game we have in prospect today. The second in a seven-match series of biff-boff slap, on a damp, grey day in Bristol, with literally hundreds of people queuing up to get in - does it get any better? There are, sadly, people out there who will try to tell you that this clash will be as forgettable as Daphne and Celeste. Ignore them - for they are fools who know nothing of the ways of cricket.
Source: BBC Sport
No comments:
Post a Comment