"They searched the house and took a computer away that I bought my wife two years ago - I think she learnt to turn it on four weeks ago."
Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a 'football corruption' investigation. "I held a meeting with my players. I told them about the agent and that allegedly he had paid some of his fee to the player. All of them wanted his phone number because they had never heard of an agent who wanted to give a player any money!"
Redknapp's plans to stick to a prepared statement don't last long. "I have received texts from many players who I have worked with - and top managers - and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails because now I haven't got a computer."
Harry gives Peter Kay a run for his money as he warms to his theme. "We have to improve massively at either end of the field."
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is delighted with his midfield. "People say we are having no luck, but we are - it's just all bad.''
Southgate is desperately in need of a rabbit foot or two. "The fire is always ready but now it looks as though you are burned on the village green quicker than ever before."
Arsene Wenger gets fired-up about the number of managers getting the boot. "This win means I may be able to leave the house now."
Roy Keane after Sunderland's win over Derby. And just who would be daft to have a pop at him? "I really feed off the positivity from the media, the crowds and the supporters - it's like a 15th club in my bag."
Golfer Michael Campbell puts a new spin on football's 12th man as he plays in the New Zealand Open. "It's red hot on the field, it's red hot in the dressing room and what do you get for lunch? Red-hot curry."
Aggers gets hot under the collar in Sri Lanka.
Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a 'football corruption' investigation. "I held a meeting with my players. I told them about the agent and that allegedly he had paid some of his fee to the player. All of them wanted his phone number because they had never heard of an agent who wanted to give a player any money!"
Redknapp's plans to stick to a prepared statement don't last long. "I have received texts from many players who I have worked with - and top managers - and I have really appreciated them. Of course, I couldn't get e-mails because now I haven't got a computer."
Harry gives Peter Kay a run for his money as he warms to his theme. "We have to improve massively at either end of the field."
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is delighted with his midfield. "People say we are having no luck, but we are - it's just all bad.''
Southgate is desperately in need of a rabbit foot or two. "The fire is always ready but now it looks as though you are burned on the village green quicker than ever before."
Arsene Wenger gets fired-up about the number of managers getting the boot. "This win means I may be able to leave the house now."
Roy Keane after Sunderland's win over Derby. And just who would be daft to have a pop at him? "I really feed off the positivity from the media, the crowds and the supporters - it's like a 15th club in my bag."
Golfer Michael Campbell puts a new spin on football's 12th man as he plays in the New Zealand Open. "It's red hot on the field, it's red hot in the dressing room and what do you get for lunch? Red-hot curry."
Aggers gets hot under the collar in Sri Lanka.
"I think I'd be brilliant! My ego thinks I'd be brilliant. Actually the rest of me thinks I'd do it brilliantly!''
Martin O'Neill admits he would make a brilliant England manager - after ruling himself out of the running. "England do not have a game until February, so why make a decision over a bacon butty at 8.30am?"
Sir Alex Ferguson believes the FA made a pig's ear of Steve McClaren's sacking. AND SOME FROM YOU "When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."
Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes. (Jim Kelleher, England). "If he was a footballer he'd be in A&E by now."
Brian Moore while James Hook was having his dislocated finger popped back into place during Wales v South Africa. (Rich Griff, Wales). "We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more."
Ryan Giggs on MUTV after the 2-0 defeat by Fulham. (Tommy). "His looks have taken a bit of a battering this season. When he came here he looked a bit like a pop star but now he is looking like Sloth from the Goonies, if that's not too cruel on Sloth."
Morecambe winger Garry Thompson on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. (Matt, England).
Martin O'Neill admits he would make a brilliant England manager - after ruling himself out of the running. "England do not have a game until February, so why make a decision over a bacon butty at 8.30am?"
Sir Alex Ferguson believes the FA made a pig's ear of Steve McClaren's sacking. AND SOME FROM YOU "When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."
Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes. (Jim Kelleher, England). "If he was a footballer he'd be in A&E by now."
Brian Moore while James Hook was having his dislocated finger popped back into place during Wales v South Africa. (Rich Griff, Wales). "We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more."
Ryan Giggs on MUTV after the 2-0 defeat by Fulham. (Tommy). "His looks have taken a bit of a battering this season. When he came here he looked a bit like a pop star but now he is looking like Sloth from the Goonies, if that's not too cruel on Sloth."
Morecambe winger Garry Thompson on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. (Matt, England).
"Alan Smith is not happy with Martin Atkinson, who could yellow card him for that haircut."
Announcer on Setanta during the Blackburn-Newcastle game. (John Kingma, Canada). "...and Ferguson scores to make it 2-2 again."
Archie Macpherson during Rangers-Stuttgart. (Mark, Scotland). "This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us." Darren Bent stating the obvious after Tottenham's Uefa Cup fightback against Aalborg. (Dominic Edmundson, UK). "Murali took the wicket of Paul Collingwood, taking him past Shane Ward's record!"
Radio 1 sports reporter on Jo Whiley's show. Bit of a career change for Shane since winning the X-Factor! (Dan Godfrey, England). "If they released a Titus Bramble bloopers DVD, it would be four hours long."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 after Bramble's latest mistake. (Kenny Lomas, England). "And Porto look very comfortable with this 1-1 lead."
Heard in commentary during the Liverpool-Porto match. (Dominic, Australia).
Announcer on Setanta during the Blackburn-Newcastle game. (John Kingma, Canada). "...and Ferguson scores to make it 2-2 again."
Archie Macpherson during Rangers-Stuttgart. (Mark, Scotland). "This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us." Darren Bent stating the obvious after Tottenham's Uefa Cup fightback against Aalborg. (Dominic Edmundson, UK). "Murali took the wicket of Paul Collingwood, taking him past Shane Ward's record!"
Radio 1 sports reporter on Jo Whiley's show. Bit of a career change for Shane since winning the X-Factor! (Dan Godfrey, England). "If they released a Titus Bramble bloopers DVD, it would be four hours long."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 after Bramble's latest mistake. (Kenny Lomas, England). "And Porto look very comfortable with this 1-1 lead."
Heard in commentary during the Liverpool-Porto match. (Dominic, Australia).
"It looks like he's pulled a rabbit out of the bag."
David Pleat on Juande Ramos's astute tactics. Ramos appears to have left his hat back in Spain. (Richard Furness, UK). "They've kept three or four clean sheets in the last couple of games."
Cambridge United manager Jimmy Quinn talking on 5 Live. (Chick, Wales). "I don't think you can ever retire from international rugby."
Ben Cohen guaranteeing an exciting World Cup in 2047. (Peter, Bosnia & Herzegovina). "I'll bare my bum in Binns window again if Boro score more than 40 goals this season."
Bernie Slaven on Century FM. Slaven did just that in 1999 after Boro beat Man Utd. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank). "The scoreline of 4-0 doesn't tell the full story. It's been all too easy for Liverpool."
Jan Molby watches Liverpool grind out a win against Bolton. (George Quin, England). "We have been beaten 4-0 but no way was there four goals between the teams."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's 4-0 defeat at home. So when is there four goals between teams? (Joe Duane, England). "I am always focused on training and coaching my team!"
A beaming David Moyes repeats the Rafa Benitez mantra in a pre-match press conference, to the delight of journalists. (Andy, England).
David Pleat on Juande Ramos's astute tactics. Ramos appears to have left his hat back in Spain. (Richard Furness, UK). "They've kept three or four clean sheets in the last couple of games."
Cambridge United manager Jimmy Quinn talking on 5 Live. (Chick, Wales). "I don't think you can ever retire from international rugby."
Ben Cohen guaranteeing an exciting World Cup in 2047. (Peter, Bosnia & Herzegovina). "I'll bare my bum in Binns window again if Boro score more than 40 goals this season."
Bernie Slaven on Century FM. Slaven did just that in 1999 after Boro beat Man Utd. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank). "The scoreline of 4-0 doesn't tell the full story. It's been all too easy for Liverpool."
Jan Molby watches Liverpool grind out a win against Bolton. (George Quin, England). "We have been beaten 4-0 but no way was there four goals between the teams."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's 4-0 defeat at home. So when is there four goals between teams? (Joe Duane, England). "I am always focused on training and coaching my team!"
A beaming David Moyes repeats the Rafa Benitez mantra in a pre-match press conference, to the delight of journalists. (Andy, England).
"He has the physique of a newspaper boy."
A classic Archie MacPherson quote describing the skinny DaMarcus Beasley. (Matthew Bowron, Scotland). "I'm not being funny, but David Unsworth is fatter than me and Gavin Mahon couldn't even pass wind accurately today."
Martin Price commentating on Watford v Burnley on BBC 3CR. (Jonny Moloney, England). "Martin Jol was literally a dead man walking at Spurs."
Steve Claridge on 5 Live during Spurs v West Ham. (Mike, England). "I'm not upset. I'm upset because we lost the game."
Arsene Wenger after the Sevilla defeat. Erm, which is it, Arsene? (Maurice K Nyambe, Zambia). "Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England). "It's unbelievable. It's not a surprise because I know I can play, but reaching the semi-finals is a surprise."
Kevin McDine after reaching the Grand Slam of Darts semi-finals. Make up your mind, Kev! (Paul, Devon). "I received more tackles in one game than I've had in my entire life. It was the same last year too."
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra gets confused after being 'kicked off the pitch' in the Bolton game. Maybe it was concussion! (Jon Allsop, England). "It would be the equivalent of Frank Sinatra coming over here and not playing Wembley, but playing at Batley Frontier Working Men's Club."
Aidy Boothroyd on the possibility of Al Bangura getting deported, and having to play in Sierra Leone. (Dave, Bournemouth). CHANTS OF THE WEEK
A classic Archie MacPherson quote describing the skinny DaMarcus Beasley. (Matthew Bowron, Scotland). "I'm not being funny, but David Unsworth is fatter than me and Gavin Mahon couldn't even pass wind accurately today."
Martin Price commentating on Watford v Burnley on BBC 3CR. (Jonny Moloney, England). "Martin Jol was literally a dead man walking at Spurs."
Steve Claridge on 5 Live during Spurs v West Ham. (Mike, England). "I'm not upset. I'm upset because we lost the game."
Arsene Wenger after the Sevilla defeat. Erm, which is it, Arsene? (Maurice K Nyambe, Zambia). "Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England). "It's unbelievable. It's not a surprise because I know I can play, but reaching the semi-finals is a surprise."
Kevin McDine after reaching the Grand Slam of Darts semi-finals. Make up your mind, Kev! (Paul, Devon). "I received more tackles in one game than I've had in my entire life. It was the same last year too."
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra gets confused after being 'kicked off the pitch' in the Bolton game. Maybe it was concussion! (Jon Allsop, England). "It would be the equivalent of Frank Sinatra coming over here and not playing Wembley, but playing at Batley Frontier Working Men's Club."
Aidy Boothroyd on the possibility of Al Bangura getting deported, and having to play in Sierra Leone. (Dave, Bournemouth). CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"I am the Music Man.
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man. As sung by Black Lace and The Tweenies, amongst others - Ed. (Danny Bostock, Wrexham). "Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson. (Paul, London). Newcastle fans: "Shearer! Shearer!"
Blackburn fans: "Where did Shearer win the league?"
Banter at Blackburn-Newcastle. (Andy, England). "Sven, Sven wherever you may be/You are the pride of Man City/You can s*** my wife on our settee/If we win a cup at Wem-ber-lee."
Man City fans to Sven. (Jim Hall, Rainow). "You're staying home, you're staying home, England staying home!"
Cardiff to travelling Ipswich fans, to the tune of Three Lions. (Jack, Wales). "You're just a town with one surname."
Cambridge Utd fans to Burton. (James, England). "Hey, Swansea....leave our sheep alone!"
Tranmere fans to Swansea - to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. (Will, UK). "You're just a theme park in Preston."
Southampton fans to Blackpool counterparts. (Will T, England). "You're not going home!"
Preston fans to Charlton after a stadium announcement saying the M6 southbound had been closed down. (Matt, England). "You are our feeder club."
Tottenham fans to West Ham fans.
"That's why you're going down."
West Ham fans' response. (Gary Arnold, England). "He's got his IQ on his shirt."
Sung to James Scowcroft by Colchester fans - he wears the number eight. (Tom, Essex). STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK "There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester's announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace. (Greg, England). BANNER OF THE WEEK "Arrow, is it me you're looking for?"
At the Grand Slam of Darts. (Neil, UK).
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man. As sung by Black Lace and The Tweenies, amongst others - Ed. (Danny Bostock, Wrexham). "Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson. (Paul, London). Newcastle fans: "Shearer! Shearer!"
Blackburn fans: "Where did Shearer win the league?"
Banter at Blackburn-Newcastle. (Andy, England). "Sven, Sven wherever you may be/You are the pride of Man City/You can s*** my wife on our settee/If we win a cup at Wem-ber-lee."
Man City fans to Sven. (Jim Hall, Rainow). "You're staying home, you're staying home, England staying home!"
Cardiff to travelling Ipswich fans, to the tune of Three Lions. (Jack, Wales). "You're just a town with one surname."
Cambridge Utd fans to Burton. (James, England). "Hey, Swansea....leave our sheep alone!"
Tranmere fans to Swansea - to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. (Will, UK). "You're just a theme park in Preston."
Southampton fans to Blackpool counterparts. (Will T, England). "You're not going home!"
Preston fans to Charlton after a stadium announcement saying the M6 southbound had been closed down. (Matt, England). "You are our feeder club."
Tottenham fans to West Ham fans.
"That's why you're going down."
West Ham fans' response. (Gary Arnold, England). "He's got his IQ on his shirt."
Sung to James Scowcroft by Colchester fans - he wears the number eight. (Tom, Essex). STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK "There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester's announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace. (Greg, England). BANNER OF THE WEEK "Arrow, is it me you're looking for?"
At the Grand Slam of Darts. (Neil, UK).
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Source: BBC Sport
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